i dunnoe what to say..about this issue..

i dont question u whu r those pple whu tag ur board rite, do i? as badly as i want to noe..i dont question u..

i dun see the point in telling u whu's whu..coz most of these pple whu visit my blog dunnoe u in person.. yesh..

abt the sunya thingy. i figured out that u were having problems displaying chinese characters in ur blog so i asked sunya how to fix it. she asked me why n stuff. so i said bocz of my friend's blog blah blah..n she asked whu's this friend.. so i just sae it was u..i mean i dun see what harm can there be..i din give her ur url..u gave it to her. take this as a story or the truth.. its all up to u.

ive been thinking alot since everything ended. i think its probably not too bad a thing afterall..
we not only cant communicate.. we dun have trust in each other..

all along, ive told u i was feeling damn insecure.. what i din tell u was that i dun have much trust in u.. i dunnoe how u can expect me to when uve got a bf.n it looks like u really love him alot. thats damn big a blow for me..

whaeva..

i din noe how u view me..i din noe whu u've been going out with for certain..i din noe what u've been thinking, doing n stuff..

i din noe a whole lot of things.. n i wanted to noe.. yet i dun have the guts to ask u n find out the answers..

i guess all that goes for u too.. i dunnoe

honestly, i din quite understand why u feel insecure with me..probably u may wanna enlighten mi on tt..

since everything has ended..i feel that its only fair for me to let you noe how ive been feeling n what ive been thinking about all the time...


abt the saturday nite thingy..pls dear...im eighteen yr old.. my intelligence cant b tt low alrite?? please do not underestimate me. its kinda insulting u noe.. obviously i noe all along uve been out with him on saturdays..ok..i assumed then..but arent all my assumptions right?? i dunnoe how u expect me to react.. but somehow if im not wrong, i think u expect mi to think its alright for u to spend time with him.. by right, that shld be the case..but im NOT that wei da im afraid.. do u expect me to 'oh..shes with him..hope shes enjoying her time with him' or 'oh..nvm..tonite she will sill call me'. till so late somemore..n im waiting by the phone for u to call or msg. n obviously i dun wanna spend saturday noon with u.. what for?? uve already chosen to spend the day with him.. so spend the entire dae. u just cant have 1/2 day of mi n 1/2 of him..its just unfair. for the 3 of us..

im so sorry that ive violated ur rights to date ur boyfriend.

n im sorry to have taken up so much of ur time, depriving him of ur time n wha so eva.. all these dun matter to me anymore..by right i mean..

whaeva..

sometimes i wonder if u do think/miss me when u;re with him.. i tot i would be happy if you do.. but on second tots..i tot that if u do think of me when u're with me, wouldnt tt mean tt u think of him when u're with mi?
i couldnt make up my mind abt whether i wan u to think of me not..

i told u i hate ur phone.. i dunnoe if u ever figured out why.. but let me tell u tts becoz he's ur wallpaper..hes ur profile name.. how great can tt get ? it was so hilarious tt u asked me to put ur pic as my wallpaper..u urself cant do it.. so dun expect me to do it.. im not asking u to out my pic as ur wallpaper or what so eva.. the least u can do is to put some neutral stuff rite?? theone i oso dun mind.. is this sth to much to ask for?? do u really think im blind?? n oblivious to things ard me??? im not. i still cant figure out why u hate my phone. probably u can tell me abt it.

the thing is it's either you're super insensitive or you're super blur.. i tot ur frequency is similar to mine.. i guess not now.. i tot all along u knew that i was unhappy with u bocz of him.. i rote in at least 1 letter n told u tt already.. well..i think i expected u to noe.. but in the end..u din.. take the incident when he sent u to the bus stop after tuition.. u saw mi on the bus b4 u board it.. u din seem to think anythin was wrong.. probably thinking im swinging or going mad again.. what u were aware of is that i was furiously deleting every single msg u sent in my inbox, while u sat opp me at kfc. things were so obvious.. yet u tot i din see him.. pls.. i repeat...IM NOT BLIND. IM VERY OBSERVANT.

my self esteem dropped drastically. never before..i din noe where i stood..i din noe if u truly love me.. i din noe how u view mi n stuff..blah blah n blah..i din noe if i ever had u all to myself..i guess not..afterall from what i see..everything boils down to the fact that he's a guy.. i'm a girl. thats a fact.

its damn sad to noe that both of us had been in such denial most of the times..i wonder how things would be like if we've chosen to voice out all those unhappiness we have instead of brushing them aside n letting them acculmulate..honestly i dun think we would be able to work things out as well.. coz certain things/problems cant be changed nor solved.


n ive got no idea how u would feel after reading this entry. do give me some form of reply..thru ur blog entry or email..i really want to noe what went wrong btw the 2 of us.. i wanna noe the part tt i contribute..n i think u own me an explaination abt whus 'G' in ur blog..i figured out 'E' is ellis..m i right? its kinda sickening to noe tt i dun just share u with him.. but with so many other pple.. [3 n above is a crowd]

im sorry to say..i cant take it. its either i have u all to myself or i don't any of u at all. n i don't now. there's nothing i wish to compromise in this aspect. I'm plain selfish. n im not afraid to let others noe.

though i request u not to underestimate my intelligence..i guess when these relationships stuff is concerned...im still stupid...

simply bcoz the stupid me still love you...n its totally impossible for you to be replaced by someone else.
*swear swear promise promise + 5 combis*

noe what?? i muz be going crazy thinking about my phones..

i dreamt that i got 3 phones for my bdae last nite...

n ALL PANANSONIC PHONES??

n..the best is all look like toy phones?? yet they were real handphones??

hahaha...

one phone was from my godma..

two phones were from u.. yea...n u told me there's 1 which u used b4..-_-"""
but u insist u only used a particular function of it.. nvm..anything from u makes me happy.. yesh yesh.

just b4 i woke up, i made up my mind to trade in all the 3 phones in exchange for my dream phone... heh heh...

but it was just a dream...*sigh*

nowadaes i really got real real weird dreams.. ask snow white n piniu.. piniu sae one is so crazy...

anyway..i think mayb i'll not invest in my dream phone..toooo ex.. not very worth it.. mayb it'll take a look at shifu's recommendation. 6230. eh..shifu, your 'quite cheap' mayb very ex to me u noe..

checking it out now..oh. i wont buy 7610.

actually laggy phones r ok what.. thats bcoz of its in-bulit memory mah..32MB leh..

N6670 looks kinda nice..functions oso not bad..im like doing research now man..

ya man..6230 looks kinda nice...

but still..i think i still wan sonye ericsson one..for now..

til i do further research..

MOMO, wo yue lai yue xiang ni le..haha

i'm going mad le man..

i cant wait to buy sooo many things..

suddenly i feel like updating myself..with all the latest technology n stuff...

Nerd cow..wanna join me?? heh heh..
it isnt that difficult you know...

wonder wheres the money is going to come from man...i wanna buy this wanna buy that..psp, nintendo ds, VAIO Pocket digital music player..which one shld i buy?

but MOMO says psp's batteries life may be super short..so no point buying..but it can view movies, has mp3 n allows u to play games!

*sigh*
*sigh*
*sigh*

even if i work, hai..think i will end up chi zi ji man..

but first of all i wanna CHANGE PHONE!!!
im crazy about sony ericsson now man.. it really has lots of functions.. plus..plus..its super resistant to all those falls n all.. good good.. suitable for someone like me..

but then..i must promise to take care of my next hp..
yes yes i will..at least now my T610 only has scratches n probably a few dents here n there.. not like my N6610..that has a crack right in the middle of the screen.. oops..got lots of improvements le okay..

got a couple of options in mind..
k700i?
S700i?
or the coming soon S710a[but dunnoe if spore will sell not leh..]

i think S700i n S710a is somewhat similar..just that S710a has this EDGE function..wonder whats tt.. MOMO u noe not??

S700i is artic sliver..n S710a is metallic black i think..DAMN CHIO!!!!!

but...hai...why both the S700+ dun have VGA camera??
so wasted man...

mayb i'll just settle for k700i coz tt one has VGA camera, n its lighter..not as thick..bigger in-bulit memory.. not too bad.. n bext of all CHEAPER!!!not too sure how much..but the S700i cost omost a thousand?? lets wait for the price to drop further..

nvm..i will think abt it thoroughly..n work hard towards my goal man.

aniway..a part of me se bu de my current phone.. afterall......nvm..4get it..

probably i'll keep the phone with me afterall.. n just get a new one...

OH!! i just went back to check the website! guess what i've found??!!

both the S700 have video recording!!!!!!
thats perfect with it memory stick duo!

OH MY!!!

thats the perfect phone for me now!!

MY DREAM PHONE!!!

SAVE SAVE SAVE!!

i was reading Time Magazine yesterdae, n article titled 'The Morning After'.

it was about the upcoming US presidential election.

i quote the article:

'So tens of thousands of flyers from the Republican national Committee arrive in mailboxes in Arkansas and West Virginia, warning that if Kerry becomes the President, the Bible will be banned and men will marry each other.'

its not that im concerned about the outcome of the election..but im honestly pro same-sex marriage.

i dun see anything wrong with it man.. its not as if those same-sex couple go ard harming others..in fact they keep to themselves what..so??whats the big deal???

well..mayb bcoz ive been thru these stuff before.. yea..the point im trying to make here is..theres absolutly nothing wrong with same-sex couple! its their own preferences n choices..n its their basic human rights..yesh yesh.

you noe what?? after ive cooled down..i realised im actually much much more upset with you than im angry with you..

whatever...

interpret my entire blog in whatever way u want to.. it seems that we 2 can never communicate..

friends who read my stuff understand how i feel, what im thinking abt n stuff..

but not you.

our frequencies are way too off.

whatever..

if u think whatever ive posted here are meant to make you uncomfortable n insecured and everything..so be it..there's nothing more i can do about it.

after so much of missing you SO BLOODY MUCH till i cant take it animore....

whatever..

LISTEN! I AM SO BLOODY PISSED OFF ALRIGHT!!!

how the hell m i suppose to noe that the tag u put up on ur tag board is addressd to me?? when u put ur nick as d.d.b.d??? i told u already im not the person who put it up. n ive got no idea what u were tagging on mine..

n now that i noe im suppose to answer ur question.
let me tell you!!

I DID NOT TELL EVERYONE EVERYTHING!!

whats that suppose to mean?

YOU THINK THATS SOMETHING SUPER GLORIOUS TO TELL EVERYBODY ABOUT???!!!

THAT I AM A LESBIAN N STUFF!??!!!

you go think about it.

i don't censor many things off my blog just so you know. i dun see why there is a need to. n i nv once did identify you alright. n i don't even dare to post your pictures up here.

my blog address is only given to by 7 pple including you by me. all those crappy pple out there i dun give a shit.

i meant to ask you so much more about what you said on ur tag board n entry. but i guess thats nothing more to tok abt if u r already feeling betrayed n upset.

she's still training..

i really did consider joining..afterall at least i would have a training partner...

i guess not now..i think she wouldnt want to now..she has her own partner anyway...

"Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up."

-Anon.

YESH!!!! Chrissypoo is finally out!! yEA MAN!!
the teenage girls are finally broke!!! hahaha!!


my brother gave me this sweet that is called 'monster sweet' the dae before. it will sorta like colour your teeth, tongue n lips..i havent eat it yet..

todae he ate one..a purple one..i said he look like a vampire..

later on he ate another one..a blue one..that one was really ultimate man! look tons worst! n he kept luffing non-stop at himself..crazy..

oh, n he told me the day before that he wants to use correction liquid to remove the words 'monster sweet' on the wrapper..to trick his friends..to eat it.. how childish can a primary 6 boy get?????? -_-"""

we were having lunch together when my mum suddenly asked me: 'wo meng you gou tong mah?'

i was stunned..why that question out of the sudden?? i was expecting her to continue n tell me what she told lau.. i sure wasnt prepared for all these talk..

wrong..i was wrong.. she went on to tell me abt this girl who commited sucide yestedae..n so on...

i tried my best to avoid that topic..but she kept coming back to it..she said about the girl's mum saeing that she feel very si bai n all being a mum.. it seems to be my mum zai yu zhong dai hua.

in the end i din answer her question..but just listened to her..

now im thinking back of the Self Awareness Camp in sec 4 n what lau told me..

being a parent sure isnt easy.. children blame parents for this n that..this is not good enuff..that is not good enuff.. as lost as children feel...as poor as children communicate...parents are also like that..

imagine yourself having a kid in the future..which isnt very far away.. what do you have to offer them?

everything in life is so uncertain...the most certain type of love is parental love..yet this type of love isnt ever lasting...they will leave you in the end..not becoz they want to..

hence i conclude that i wanna begin to learn how to treasure n love all my loved ones now..not until when i lose them..

i was on a bus...somewhat like going on a tour...

there were two ladies sitted opposite me..around 40s i think..they were sisters...

the scenes kept changing..at one moment, i'll be at home...watching some jap vcds secretly...suddenly my hse was so so much bigger.. with other pple living in it as well..

the next, i'll be on the bus touring around i dunnoe where..with those 2 super friendly women..

for now i only remembered the last scene..

i was reading newspapers on the bus..an article about dinosaurs..

one of the ladies opposite came across n sat on the empty seat beside me.. n started telling me all she knows about dinosaurs..

pointing at the pictures in the article, telling me the different 'breeds' of dinosaurs...

i din noe what happened, suddenly the scene changed n both of us were lying on the seats in a super awkward position...she was squeezing me n stuff...n there i was still crutching my newspapers as it was the only form of 'defence' ive got...

the lady became a rather pretty early twenties girl..n she started to press onto me n was trying to kiss me, telling me how much she likes me n stuff..

MY GOD!! GO AWAY!! YUCKS!! YOU'RE NOT HER! N SHE'S THE ONLY HER!! STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!

i totally freaked out..Someone please help me!!

my saviour was my mum.. she was screaming at me to go n bathe..

she woke me up before that girl kissed me...n before i did anything stupid..

*phew*

what a nightmare...i was thinking about how horrible it was when i was in the bathroom using that gel..

*shivers* BRrrrrr....

you've been getting more and more succesful...

the ease at which you occupy my territory is increasing...at an unbelieveable speed...

swift, precise and domineering...

thats the words.

you find a loop hole in my defence...

and lead your troops in...

wiping out as many of my people as you can...

without any signs of mercy...

and dominate the place which i used to call mine...

each time you succeed, my people cries in misery...

disappointed with our defeat...

disappointed to know that we're weak...

guess i've got to deploy more troops to watch over my remaining territory...

my neighbouring countries r concerned...

i can't let them down yet again...

awoke..slp..awoke..slp..

each time i force myself to go back to sleep, i let you into my mind...

each time i awoke..i force you out of my mind...

sylvester was kinda charming tonite..though his dressing is a bit yucky. but..i still think he's great..probably he got the ah beng charm..hahaha..
dun mistake stuff..im not a fan of his..not like muay fan...

chrissypoo is.....argh.....OUT!! ur singing is so MONOTONE!!! my god!! dun disgrace urself further..pls..haiyo....

title: Allegro in A, H.338, Wq.116/16
Composer: Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach (1714-88)
Tempo: Allegro [crotchet = c.108]

i associate this piece of song with you..

probably bcoz u told me u think it sounds nice..

im 1/2 way thru the pc..

still learning..

allegro is the way the piece should be presented..
allegro means quick, livly, fast (lit. 'cheerful')

whenever i play this song..its bcoz i think of you..

in such a sad way that i play it in the legato manner..

legato means smooth (lit. 'bound', 'tied'), indicating no break btw notes

the character of the piece is way out man...

but i'll keep replaying it til i bring out somewhat the allegro character..even though it may meant replaying for many many many times....

you're not the one who i see everyday...

you're not the one who is waiting for me...

you're not the one who is waiting for my call everynite..

you're not the one who calls me everynite..

you're not the one who waits for me to wake up to your constant calls...

you're not the one who listens to my orchestra everynite..

you're not the one who complains about my orchestra...

you're not the one to sleep on me...

you're not the one i'm sleeping on everynite...

you're not the one who says 'goodnite' to me just before i sleep everynite...

you're not the one who has been msging me...

you're not the one who has been replying my smses...

you're not the one who is waiting for me at the benches in front of tpy lib...

you're not the one who sits before me in Sumo Bento todae...

you're not the one who accompany me studying my chem prac notes in woodlands lib...

you're not the one who walks me home...

you're not the one who sends me home...

you're not the one who is there for me when i'm upset...

you're not the one who is tolerating my swinging...

you're not the one who comforts me whenever i cry...

you're not the one who tells me 'everything is going to be alright.'





yet you're the one who matters the most to me...

yet you're the one who has that special place in my heart...

yet you're the one who i miss the most...

yet u're the one who i love the most...



despite all those 'you're not the one...'

woke up so early....

jus to go sch n study chem prac..in the end..oso nv study much..was trying to put up the archive..n i did it! own effort u noe..

ya..so now my archive is up..just so u noe..

hai..last nite slpt so late somemore..was writing the outline of the resume for pet when xf called..

1st thing she said was:' eh..xian zai shi she me zhuang kuang??'

HEH???

then she told me the rumoured tips for prac..

double indicator titration---->???????
SCN- ------->????????????????????
Mn2+ n Zn2+

whats double titration n SCN-??
1st 3 mths stuff she told me..
1st 3 mths???
i dun even noe where my 1st 3 mths prac are man..

then she told me 'SCN- plus Fe3+ gives blood red colouration...

with that wo meng jiu go in n ling chang biao xian le..

me, xf n sy conference in hope of coming up with a solution to deal with the 'tips'..in the end we an wei ourselves sae the rumours are not accurate..

n todae??

BINGO!!!!

hai..what a sucky prac man.. worst in my whole life man..damn it..whaeva..

ITS OVER!!

before tt, we were assembled in LT1..
sunya, me n xf..in 1 row..
n in front of us ps, eugene n bala..
we were all so gan jong tt after we 'peaked', we started toking nonsense...
tok abt bala gg into army 15 days after 'A's.. tts damn scary man...
after 15 days of enjoyment, u run n run..
eee..

eugene seems to like the idea of bathing together...n seems kinda of concerned abt the idea..hahaha... I NOE WHY!!! do u xf?

bala - early dec
eugene - 7/1?
ar-bu-la-nai - 6/1?
ar - bu - dong - april

good luck man! we guys can run run n run,
n we girls can shop shop n shop..
or as sunya saes sleep sleep n sleep!
haha

how i wish the army catch hold of muthu n throw him inside man!
his hair!!!! ULTIMATE!!! my god! so dman gross lor!!! can u pls go n cut mr muthu???!!!!!
think one day i will bao4 n take a shaver n shave for u man!!!
U BETTER CUT YOUR HAIR!!!!
ARGH!!!!


n me n pet bot the bathing gel!! the one every beautiful woman supposely have.. hahaha!!! will keep you girls update if got use not.. hahaha!

I'm going to use it later!!! so excited!!

tonite's spore idol...hope leandra is gg to be out..though i hope chissypoo goes out b4 her..but i think those stupid tone deaf teenage gers whu go gaga over him will continue to vote like mad for him... irritating! but muz admit hes cute lar..even my bro..a guy thinks hes cute..ni shou ne??

i went out to get sth..

n it rained when i came home.. what the....AGAIN??
with my bro's slippers again....AGAIN???

i cant believe it man!

saw muay fan at coffee bean.. sat down to chat a while [see lar..chat til rain...-_-""]

she tok all abt spore idol..abt her sylvester..mad man..

it so happened that there was this courts roadshow just in front of coffee bean..n muay fan was facing it..n me, with my back to it..

muay fan: u dun turn now..but look at the salesman.. i think he look like LPG..think he goot looking..
me: {turn n look] really look like eh.. feel like running there then like those ku zhuang xi..fly up n kick him with my foot man!!

*giggle giggle*
tt muay fan really like fa hua ci man...haiyo...
ended up tokin abt tt particular person who look like LPG..skinner..the face oso not tt qian bian..hair nicer..shorter..

me:later he think we admire him or what..when in fact i feel like boxing him!
muay fan: lol
me: eh u wanna buy camera not?then can take his pic from here..
muay fan: no.. shld buy phones..
me: *puzzled*
muay fan: he promoting phones..cordless one..
me: *faint* u noe a lot huh?
muay fan: ive been observing him since yest...

-_-""""""

observing a person who look like LPG???????????????
OH COME ON!!!!!

my god! my inbox todae got xi ke man...

c0la^Pop forward a msg...

ji na de yi xia u noe..mayb shld go n buy 4D..haha

11.18am, 27/10/2004
'in a cookie of friends, chocolate chips are the ones tat make life interesting n yummy..thanks for being tat choclate chip! take care my friend! =)'

u remembered me as your friend ar...wha..i ji gan dong yi xia u noe!! really...

haha..u noe what? im so happy tt u din 4ward tt to pet..make her jealous..haha

im going crazy man.

share another forward msg..

from snow white..

life is like maths, permutation n combination n all.
dun worry inequalities can be solved. if things get too bad, look at it at the double angle. [blah blah..this is all i can remember]

was looking thru my hp inbox looking for a specific msg tt u sent.. i opened so many b4 i found the one..

everything was abt how u miss me..how u'll love me no matter how i swing..how u'll yang wo n stuff....

its so funny now tt the only contact i have with you is thru our blogs...n mayb sms..

*pause*



i re-read the msg u tag on the board..trying to figure out whats sadly true..is it the part abt u not wanting to see me.....




*pause*





17th sept 04, 12.17am
From: kank
You're my last before i sleep and the first when i wake.

is it still tt way??

for me it is...........

i tot the rocket n house combi wasnt that bad..was i the one whu suggested it? i forgot..n im not luffing..

yea..of coz remembered when we were toking abt elections n riots n unhappy pple..when did all these nonsense started?? in LAOS? with your pple overflowing til _____[fill in the blanks] *grin* we were walking for the entire day..visiting from village to village..

when elections come, your pple will have riots...then sth abt spilling over somewhere...with pple playing with the swings becoz they r unhappy..when results has been announced, your pple riot..

i hope u do take care of urself dear...coz i cant do tt myself now...=(

OH!!!

OH!!!

N ABSOLUTLY NO GREEN TEA!!! OR ANY TEA!!!!

dun think i forgot!! haha..

remember ar! i say again NO GREEN TEA!!! OR ANY TEA!! you better listen..u promised tt..

dearest snow white...

can you pls dun msg me at such weird timing??

i so happen to be such a light sleeper nowadaes?? that i will wake up most of the time when u msged????

*faint*

n shifu now serves as an alarm clock...haha...

i had 2 separate dreams yesterdae.

one was you..

we met up..at Mac's i think..
we toked n stuff..
u refuse to let me have quick quick one..
super disappointed..
remembered complaining to someone..i dunnoe whu..
'how do u expect me to sit bside her n not do anything??'
everything sounded so ridiculous..

second dream was a long long one..
i dreamt i went swimming alone..
but ended up i saw a lot of pple at the swimming pool..
i saw xf n yj.. guess what they were doing?
playing zero point in the pool..[ u noe tt childhood game?]
my god.
i was commenting abt how crazy it is to play tt in the pool to someone when i saw a couple of groups playing tt as well..
i was pretty glad u 2 din ask me to join in.
*phew*
got this once, i was like 'underwater' n this stupid woman just jump into the pool? like right on top of me?? im like?? what the hell..

then i remembered two girls..wearing nightgown in the pool..with socks somemore..

after that, i came up..preparing to leave..sitting on some stairs cleaning up..

PAPAYA appeared! just my luck man..

she started blabbering on n on..asking me if i noe this judoka whu's supposely is LPG's friend?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!!??? SINCE WHEN I GIVE A DAMN ABT LPG?? YOU TWO BETTER GET LOST!

apparently she din get the hint tt im really not interested in toking to her.. she just went on n on..suddenly she just disappeared..

later i saw sam c...

there was a parade of some sort..
i saw pet, benjamin, anselm, ps n a lot alot of pple..

then came some photo-taking session..

tt was all i cld remember.

gastric starting soon i think....

ARGHHHH...

i still smile alot to people..but all those are pretentious..

when i smile to myself..those smiles are alwaes cynical in nature...

but i smiled not too long ago..truly..

kank has shown signs of life.

4 seedlings..

*beam*

i will remember to water you daily...

was clearing some files in the com..

when i stumble upon this..

DATE: 24/6/03, 6.51pm
hey, uve no idea how deeply i love u man... after tt night when i told u i like u, i simply couldnt slp lor... dun dare 2 read ur reply til the next morning... after like 1/2 a yr.. hai... now it seems theres nuthing 4 us 2 tok abt.. its as if u r so much more older than mi... juz 3 yrs older, i feel as though im really a xiao mei mei.. 1 whu is so immature...hai.. XXX ar XXX.. really mizz u... no matter wha pet n rj saes abt u.. i dun care abt it at all.. ur name juz keep flashing in my head... how i wish our relationship had been kept simple.. juz mei n kor.. toking crap online all the time, abt potatoes being cooked n stuff... abt u lying on ur grandma's sofa, drinking ur cheng teng... nv did i appreciate those stuff till i actually saw u in real life... though u r not tt goot looking, but u r juz attractive 2 mi!! think im mad rite?? but doesnt matter, i dun care! seeing u online, i used to feel so excited.. but now... i dun even dare 2 msg u n sae hi................ gone are all those daes when we could tok through the nite through sms... nv forgetting the nites when u prepare 4 ur A levels.. n those nites when u sae u r goin 2 bathe.. n i juz waited 4 u, thinking wha a crazy guy u r... bathe so late at nite.. or rather early in the morning... juz b4 u slp... ive alwaes kept those sms u sent mi recently... cant bear 2 erase them... treat them like some priceless treasure.........



[i think now u pple can see how chi qing i am...n how feng fu my gan qing is..]

i think of you alot..

especially when im about to eat..

i dunnoe why..

each time i do that..
the food before me loses its appeal,
loses its taste,
loses its smell...

probably thats good....

i dunnoe..

everything i do,
everything i see,
reminds me of you..

i wonder what you're doing...
i wonder where you are...
i wonder how you're feeling...
i wonder if you still love me...
i wonder if you still think of me...
i wonder if you still miss me...
i wonder if you think nothing about my absence...
i wonder if i've been replaced by someone else...
i wonder if i still have that special place in your heart...
i wonder...
yet i dun have the answer..

it is such an irony that im listening to ocean au's songs..the "wu wei shiong"

when im like 'allegic' to that song..to the extent that i clasped my hands over my ears whenever u played it..

especially the saturday night when we walked to the bus stop outside beatty...singing 'yue liang dai biao wo de xin'...doing all sorts of weird actions..with you angry with me bcoz i was so reluctant to walk all the way to that bus stop..

it seems like it just happened yesterdae...

i wonder what went wrong in the past two years...i wondered what is the problem..

first three months last year was pure joy, fun and laughter.

after that, things gradually began to deteriorate.

all thru last yr, i tot i was just a simple minded person..

i tot..how complicated things can get?

i got a taste of how complicated things can get now..

when i was in sec 3/4, pet, rj, clarissa n me did our community service at this tuition centre..that caters to kids who come from broken families.. there was this super naughty boy..buay tahan..i managed to tok to him n stuff..n realised how luckly i m..even though he is so young..he has a lot of problems n all..more than me..n mine is like so trivial compared to his..

but now? *cynical smile*

i wonder is it becoz when u get older, ur mind gets more complicated..as in the nerves, the system n everything.. probably tts why now things are so complicated...n so tangled up..

making me so confused..

According to Webster's New World Dictionary, the word 'happy' is defined as having, showing or causing a feeling of great pleasure, contentment, joy, etc; joyous; glad; pleased.

being happy makes you think life is meaningful.
being happy makes you think that ri zi bi jiao rong yi guo.
being happy is what everybody strives to do.

"Man is the artificer of his own happiness. A man is happy so long as he chooses to be happy and nothing can stop him."

so my question now is "what happens to those who cant get the mentaily right and cant seem to find true happiness?"

[give me your comments on my tag board]

the eariler conversation is abt blogs.

me: my friend says my blog very boring..somemore say my skin now not suitable..last time the twinkle twinkle star one more suitable..faint
xf: ya..suits u more initially..coz u like very happy all the time..your blog is ok lar.
me: aiya biao mian shang only mah..
xf: aiya..only you yourself can decide whether you wana be happy or not..yup..but seriously i think you tend to take the bad stuff more seriously..yup..
me: *sigh* life is so eeee...
xf: heyh hey hey...life is never eeee..quoting lau..there is no boring stuff..which means life is never eee..its all in the mind yah...haha..so say cheese!
me: *sigh* i wanna throw away my mind!
xf:haha...but don't forget your mind had gave you at least 16 years of happiness before _______________..yah? its really all in the mind..yup..dun give up..

i rote the 1st resume in my entire life..with the help of yinjia..thanks.

i rote everything..sent it to two companies..

then opened an email that yinjia sent..with her resume attached.

after reading hers, i realised..holy shit! i forgot to include my qualifications.. not say ive much.. but then?? nvm..

was slping, when someone called.. whu's tt?
desmond[some staff in this company in town]: harlow sharon? you looking for temp job?
me: ya.
desmond: so u wanna start in mid dec?
me: ya.
desmond: alright i'll give u a call again. bye.

like this guy..damn friendly.. no like this asshole i called this morning! shld have called back n said: fucking shit!

i read your blog.

'at exactly 11:16pm, my phone beeped.

" dear...happy monthly bdae. =) "

you remembered... *grin*

it's funny how only you and i celebrate our monthly birthdays monthly... a day apart.'

iye + 11:23 PM

how ive got to say is..i dun mind continuing to celebrate our monthly birthdays monthly...i want to...cant we just spend either 25th or 26th together every month? let me noe the ans somehow ok? anihow, i'll continue wishing you happy monthly bdae for as long as i remember... dun worry.. my memory is pretty good when it comes to you. *wink*

it took me a long long time before deciding to msg you..

shld i shld i not??
aiya..like very wu liaoz eh...

aiya..sui bian lar! just do it man.

me:dear...happy monthly bdae. =)
iye: =) thanks girl

*beam*

fell aslp.

12.04am
*beep beep*
iye: happy monthly bdae girl
mi: u remembered. suan wo mei bai teng ni[such a familiar sentence..shifu alwaes saes tt to me] so wheres my present?

i waited n waited..no reply..*disappointed*

i wondered if i send it to the wrong person..*scratch head* cant be what..my greatest joy nowadaes is to find an xcuse to press the once sooo familiar no..

i fell aslp.

awoke at 3.39.

shifu:how's ur prac todae?
tt msg was at ard 12.30
im already playing chess with zhou gong le..u then come n ask me..haha

2.39:
iye: i will send you papaya enzymes thru post. i tot i sent you the reply..but ended up seeing it in my unsent items.

papaya enzymes?? why that? n why by post? u dun wanna c me again?

*shed a tear* [literally a tear]

i fell aslp.

woke up at 7.02am.

tot abt ur tt msg again..wonder what it meant.
slpt again.

woke up at 8.02am.
tot abt ur msg again..
slpt.

had a mini dream...
got me, MOMO, nerd cow n this other girl..we were all in my neighbourhood.
we were walking to buy some stuff from the minimrt downstairs when i spotted you!! with tt ah bian in sch! how ridiculous man! my 1st instinct was to siam..n not to let u c mi..i dunnoe why.
MOMO tells me tt u saw mi, but yet u walked on..=(

i turned my head to one side, i saw you.
i turned my head to the other side, i sae jm..

how weird.

*woke up at 8.15am

forced myself to slp again

the dream continued..

i wanted to ask u out...
in my dream n in real life..
was thinking cant i have 1 dae out of 7???
i msged u: spend the day with me alrite?

*i woke up at 8.42

i cant go back to slp now.
i dunnoe why.
im like super awake man.
suddenly im reminded of Laos..the 1st nite at dragon lodge..no matter how i think tt ive slpt for very long already, the time passes so damn slowly..

so i suppose the nite passes so slowly....with so many things happening in a nite............. ermz..can i have it again????

ive never tot of marriage..seriously before..

til me n piniu n MOMo sort of toked abt it todae..

that triggers of my tots.

for now, the top 3 most impt stuff are:
1)he must be true to me.
2)sense of sercurity.
3)trust in each other.[i must be able to trust him,n vice versa]

tts all..
for now i stress.....
think there will be more to come.. hahaha

n definitly a guy...no doubts..

i'll not invest in another girl ever again..i rather go n b a nun...n chant sutras day in day out..

you're my first n my last..
*promise promise swear swear*

Went bugis with muay fan to bai bai.. surprised ba??? Hahaha..sunya, u yi zi bu xiang xin wo..hai...

Took 133...what a familiar route... for a term omost every fridae will charge down to the bus stop to take 133..to have lunch with you..

Dunnoe why, nowadaes eat things a bit like xiang vomit.. feeling so hungry, yet mouth no mood..so refuse to open..so eat lesser now..good good..

After that went lib to borrow tintin again!! Got so many lo!! So excited.. wanted to borrow 3..but I can only borrow 2 leh...

me: muay fan, can u lend mi ur lib card?
muay fan: i borrow the max no. of books le..
me: *disappointed*
muay fan: nvm nvm..i teach u..we go n hide books.

i osmost fainted man!!

ya, in the end, we hid the tintin lar...my god!

xiao si ren man!

came home jiu check phone..

U MSGED!!!!!!
MY GOD!!! U MSGED!!!
*jump up n down*

n somemore is not to wish mi good luck..

i'm so touched dear..really..
at least u still care...*beam beam beam*
i wonder how long u took to come up with the msg.
no matter what..i appreciate what u've done for me..
i lub you.

before i knew u msg:
me: i wonder if she'll msg mi not..
MOMO: if she did leh?
me: i'll gan dong liu lei..
MOMO: if she nv leh?
nerd cow: she'll shang xin liu lei..

BINGO!! nerd cow, u damn liao jie wo man..

aniwae iye, i din reply u bcoz:
1)i read the msg real late
2)i dun wanna stress you over what to reply mi after i reply u..u get wha i mean?

just looked at my phone n realised todae is 25/10.
ur monthly bdae!
happy monthly bdae dear.
1 more month to go...

tmr is my monthly bdae hor...

lub lub lub lub lub lub lub you....................

my god...all those stuff i saved in my email cant be found... ARGH!! thats damn irritating man.. what the...

my com is retarded.

had phy prac todae..

heng heng started out with the tedious one 1st..if not confirm no time later on man..

sunya went to sch early..mad..wake up so dman early so that she can go to sch with her j1 friend..

she saw lau..n lau smiled n said easy lar..

easy?? u said prelim prac was easy n it turned out like shit..

muz sae this time is really considered easy..

the 'potentiometer' thing was like so simple to connect n stuff...

kui wo meng practised connecting so many sets of complicated circuits during the last prac lesson..

n surprisingly got oscillations..

huh???!! oscillations ar... i like 4get some parts le eh..

but managed to figure out..
not bad not bad..
[my gradient i calculate 4 times b4 i got the correct ans man]

those old folks over at cambrigde ji ci xiang yi xia..

ya..woke up at 7.16. got so many alarm clocks lor....
mum, dad, handphone, alarm clock.

later sunya called.

haiyo..ring until bu qing bu chu man.

hadnphone oso beep n beep..

eh! shifu msged! n sae good luck for chem prac todae..

thanks, but its phy prac todae..ya? *smile*

surprised..

wonder if she'll msg...to at least sae goot luck..

nv find out..left home w/o phone..

i cant possibly turn to my friends whenever i miss you..whenever i think of you rite??

sure, they do help me to stop thinking of you..for a few hours.. n things r back to before...

n theres sth they cant give me..its just this element that is missing..i dunnoe what..its just sth missing..

n only you can give it to me....

was having dinner when i suddenly tot of you....

imgaes of you just kept flashing in my head....

omost ended up diluting the hor fan in front of me with tears....

from where i was having dinner, i cld c the train tracks...

the pavement where we had our 'romantic dinner' after a rain....

i hate walking for such long distances....

but with you i hope the walk never ends.....

but it ended last thurs...

*bao bao*

i went to the minimart downstairs to get HL milk..

opened the fridge, n the 'give me more, give me more, give me one more' song began playing...

remembered the time when u purposely went to open tt fridge to listen to the song..

u were amazed....

dun mind having you to open tt everydae...though i find the music kinda irritating....

but im not sure if the shopkeeper will be happy..

i called nerd cow today...

we chatted for like omost an hr..

i told her what i told piniu, snow white n MOMO..

im not a person who keep mine tots n feelings to myself..

i need to say things out..

aniwae, i cant find my chem n phy prac notes..DAMN! its very impt to me!! argh!! where did i place them?

after toking to her, i went to get makan..sun bian return books n post my M&M's contest entries.. got 6 all together.. wonder if will zhong jiang not..ive still got 1 more at home..

was walking to the bus stop when i realise it was drizzling..shld i go back n get an umbrella?? tot it wasnt going to be that bad..

got onto the bus, it started raining dogs n cats..

what the...

nvm..probably later the rain wont b tt heavy..

went to the lib n return tintin.. decided to pong pong yun qi n see if there were other tintin available..

there were! 2 somemore..

got this didi sitting in front of the shelf reading tintin..i asked him:'so do u want these tintin books?'
he shaked his head..looking pretty blur...

hai... ze ba nian ji le..still got qiang tintin with small kids.. a bit the guilty...

nvm..later after going thru my phy prac, i'll go n read tintin to relax..haha..as if not im not relaxed enuff man..

after im done with buying my chicken rice, i went home.. n great! the rain is getting heavier n heavier.. plus..im blessed with a pair of my bro's chao slippery slippers.. great man..

actually wanted to ask someone with umbrella to song me go over to the bus stop..but everytime after ive identfied my 'target'..ive yet to gather enuf courage to ask, they r already gone..

mei ban fa...join the queue n take cab...

waited for quite long lor...

n by the time i get more, the yu xiao hen duo lor!! qi si wo man!!

*sigh* just to get lunch, i ended up spending so much....

of all people, X smsed me todae...why you? yj tells me u dun like me what? u msged n asked me abt tmr's prac..crazy..of all pple come n ask me...like im really your friend like tt.. cant u go n ask xf??
stay away from mi if u dun like mi..dun come n tok to me..somemore ask me if i wanna go swimming n all those stuff...

yj din want to tell me abt the secret[ie. X dun like me.] initially.. said she'll wait til next yr when the class separates..whats the big secret man?

she told me that X dun like me.. *shrug* fine..no big deal...i dun give a damn...all it matters to me now is iye afterall..

mi: so why muz you wait til next yr then u can tell me the secret at 1st?
yj: dun wanna spoil the relationship in btw u n X mah..

sorry..the friendship has been spoilt..u dun even treat me like ur friend, why muz i??

im still pondering over why u msged me todae.. u like me now?? i seriously doubt so.

i just wanna sae a big big thank you to piniu, MOMO n snow white..

thanks for letting me 'scream' at you three yesterdae...

felt so much better after all those letting out...

at least i tot for a few hours that things haven't been that worth while..

at least i got tired after all those 'screaming'..

so i cld meet zhou gong xia qi pretty fast w/o much lag time.

thanks for your listening ear..your views n advices n all..

though u may not be able to understand why i think this way...

yea..but i truly appreciate u all as my friends..

=)

aching aching aching....

non stop aches..

finally kan dao ni de zhong ying..

i actually dunnoe how i feel..

happy??

comforted??

touched?

i juz want u to noe tt no matter how pretentious..it doesnt matter to me..

at least i noe u're still there..

right now, i really need more of you..

but if u dun wan to..i c no point in forcing you..




the only way of 'seeing' you now is in zhou yuan..

whats the point in me trying to force you out of my mind?

when the best i can do is to push you all the way back to the back of my mind??

u're like juz hiding back there...

somewhere i can't see you...making me think tt u're not there..

when in actual fact u are...

and what's the point when i see you omost daily in zhou yuan?

its like reversing all my efforts..

i hate it i juz hate it..

i cant let go as much as i tot..

i just dun have the ability to do that...

dun keep forcing me to...

I NEED TIME..

i dreamt of u last nite again..

this just shows how much i think of you in the day..

we were in some foreign country..

sharing a hotel room..

u were telling me abt some horror stories abt the hotel..

u got real scared n insist that we cuddle together n slp..

i was fine with that..i mean since when i mind that rite?

after a while, i got quite irritated coz u kept waking me up coz u urself was too scared to slp..n i was really very tired le..

i told u i want to slp..

u got real pissed.

n refused to tok to me..then after..

IF I EVER FIND OUT TT YOU'RE BEHIND ALL THESE....

YOU'RE DEAD!!!

D-E-A-D!!!

DEAD!!!

I MEAN IT...

FUCKING BITCH!

U BETTER CLEAR ORF BEFORE I TAKE THE CHOPPER N CHASED AFTER YOU!!

[i'm not refering to anyone of you whom ive given my blog address to. piniu, snow white n MOMO shld noe whu i'm refering to.]

the tv is on now.

jay chou's concert just got promoted.

n guess what he is singing?

an jing..

the starting of the chorus..

how qiao..

tonite, he'll sing tt song till i fall aslp again..

without any signs of your presence..again..i guess...

i had a nap..

woke up..sleep..woke up..sleep..

had four separate dreams all in all..

First dream:
i own this marker.
it was yours.
i dunnoe why, but it dropped out to the window ledge.
i tried my best to retrieve it.
i did.
i beamed.

*i woke up to reality*

Second dream:

i met u at ur place.
we were in this room..with max.
3 of us were on the bed.
my back aches.
i asked u to massage for mi.
u groaned:'again?'
reluntantly crawled next to me,
started to show signs of wanting to hug me,
got close to me,
cuddle next to me,
my heart pumping faster n faster.
suddenly u seem to want mi back.
i was willing to accept you back in my arms again.

*i woke up to reality*

Third dream:
my family went to my ah ma's place.
after that i went back alone.
had to climb down this temple.
crossed the road.
im home.
sat the roadside, admiring the scenery.

decided to go back to ah ma's place.
had to climb up the temple again.
climbing up was tons more difficult than descending.
suffered bruises n cuts.

finally reached the top with the help of a guy.
dunnoe who.

saw my family.
they said some relative died.
she died?

*i woke up to reality*

Fourth dream:
had family dispute.[as in extended family]
i suggested that we use choppers.
ended up fighting with the choppers.
i was stuck with 1 uncle n 1 aunty.
both with a chopper in their hands.
i had one too.
but mine was much smaller than theirs.
i was helpless.
i din noe what to do.
the chopper was going to strike my face..

*i woke up to reality*

the last dream was real scary..
i din dare to go back to sleep..

the second dream was the sweetest...

that song accompanied mi to sleep last nite...along with muffled cries..

i put it on the repeating mode..

thinking n rethinking things..

till im tired..i fell aslp..

hugging sexy real tight...

without any signs of your presence....

play that song..follow the lyrics displayed on my blog..

it makes sense..all of it...

piniu recommended it..

zhou dong is a talented man..

his song descibles my feelings n tots..

thanks MOMO for helping mi post the lyrics n solve the problem.

i still want you to msg me..

no matter how i think stuff is..

i still want you to msg me..

i want..

please..?

No.

please....??

No.

please.....??

No.

please.......???????

*shakes head*

please........??????????

No.

PLEASE!!!!

NO.

these went on for sometime....

ive never been rejected so many times in my life... needless to say in a day...

now memories of that moment keeps replaying in my mind..replay replay replay..still replaying..

hurt hurt hurt...still hurting..

cry cry cry..still crying.

on n on..non stop...

im going thru the moment once again..again again again..

feeling the pain once again...again again again...

each 'No' is not only a stab in me.. u stabbed n u sliced thru me. without mercy. without stopping.

the pain is not fading..

the pain lingers within me..

you...?

maia got eliminated..what the hell??

though i tot christopher's performance last nite wasnt too bad..i still think he shld b out..

sylvester seems to be always in the 'not safe' group..
muay fan better vote more next week..

dun feel like watching the show le..its crap man.

how can she be out??

I am on this world, for a reason..

That is to prove people out there wrong.

To keep surprising people out there just like what peggy says..

To all those out there, wait for the day..
wait for the day, you realised tikiboom isnt what you deem her to be..

I'll prove u wrong.

ming hao went for this national chinese quiz..i think..he said the qns are all so hard...

one qns is: when did the mobile thing start in s'pore

anyone noes the ans?

i came home...laZed ard...n decided to go take a nap..

i took pretty long to fall aslp...

coz i was thinking of u...

i dunnoe what abt u..

i was juz thinking of u....

i was missing u.....

no...

i was missing you...
i am missing you...
i will miss you...

truly. honestly. really.
*swear swear promise promise + 5 other combis*

i want u to noe that..

know that alrite dear?

DAMN it..actually i juz publish my blog..now im editing it..all becoz the stupid blog cannot display my chinese words...
waste so much of my time...

whaever...

aniwae...i went to read ur blog...


is it really true tt its juz recently tt u noe u r capable of hurting mi to this extent?

u really noe that things had been hard on mi?

if u really do noe now..dun u think whaeva uve done to mi have been super cruel?

even if u've realise the fact..everything is too late...

the damage has been done..

all i long for these daes is u showing tt u still care for mi...as in like really care..

true..u make a pt to msg mi..but it really seems like i dunnoe how to sae.. like so cold n stuff...
its like u wanna care for mi..yet at the same time u wanna be far far away from mi...

i dunnoe..

well at least now i dun think thru those stuff 24/7..

it only hits mi at night.. [i cope with things last nite by reading tintin]

i noe im moving on with life.. no matter how slow..no matter how small each steps are...

but im really moving on...without u...

ive come to see things tt ive alwaes failed to in the past...

think i rather build on sth of greater certainty...

i had dinner with ming hao yesterdae...

he tok to mi abt his sch stuff n surprisingly, he oso wanna get the nintendo ds...of mayb the sony
psp.. it suprises mi to think tt little things..small little events can make a 12 yrs old boy so contented with life..so happy with life...

perhaps, as ur age increases...ur expectations of things increases...

wrong..its not perhaps..tts certainly tt way things are..

Dear J

thank you thank you thank you so much

iye

iye + 6:30 PM


dun thank me..theres no need to thank...im doing things for u because i want to..not because i want your thank you...

i want u to do kepp your promises for me...because u wan to..not because u want my thank you..

My mum always tok to mi at the wrong moments..i noe she cares..she juz pick the times when im juz having some kind of fits to tok to mi.. as usual I scremed back..

Its been a week..since last thurs..

Fast huh?? Yet I think the days had been crawling by...

Before I drifted into zhou yuan last nite..i heard some girl screaming..hope shes fine...

I tried tt on tuesdae..

Nobody was at home..

Bathing...

Started to get real hysterica..

Wanted to cry..but no tears..

Next alternative??

To SCREAM!!!!!

I SCREAMED!!

I SHOUTED AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE!!!

I let them all out...

Pple, dun be afraid to scream...

Nobody actually come knocking on ur door n ask if u're doing fine..

So juz go ahead.

I even screamed at the lift lobby...

No big deal...

Nobody cares...

These days, ive been thinking tt mayb yj's mentality of 'zhong biao' is good..at least, u dun have to go thru all these shit for god noes how many times b4 u finally meet the one..rite?? tts the good thing lar..
But I dunnoe if its possible..we shall c...

Pple..dun misinterpret my 'zhong biao' ..definitly not the LPG zhong biao...whueva gana tt type of zhong biao...good luck to u man..n I wont deny tt im being sarcastic all the way...
I FUCKING HATE YOU!! SISSIFIED PARASITE!!

Hows my blogskin pple? Took mi pretty long to decide to use this..asked MOMO..after going thru like 200+ skins, I picked the best 3...called nerd cow n snow white to help mi choose..MOMO n nerd cow like this the best..while mi n snow white like another..nvm..can alwaes change it another time..

Tonite seems to be kinda cold..Brrrr...

N needless to say...lonely...

Been feeling not too bad todae til I read your blog..somehow, im back to the old mi..thinking of crap again..trying to use boo boo’s method to counter negative tots... hate it when ive got to use it...it juz sux to the max man...

I guess some people do get over things real quick..unlike mi...

Sure..i tried my best to not think abt u...but from time to time..esp when I c the clock, I’ll be thinking...mmm...where is she now?? What is she doing??

The day will come when im tired of repeating this routine...n it will no longer be a habit...no longer a routine...

Last nite I called…juz 6 mins b4 midnite..u din seem the least bit of happy to hear from mi...probably u’ll b thinking..why r u calling mi??

Me: do u have anything else to sae?
Iye: [after hestitating for quite some time] no...ive said all ive got to say todae..

I couldn’t cry at all..omost but couldn’t. N-U-M-B.

Brace urself tikiboom! U’ve got to have the determination to overcome all these shit!

Damn the woman upstairs..shes practising her songs again...cant she sing it at the right moment?

After hearing tt ‘cinderalla’ story..abt tonsils turning to pumpkins, it made mi feel better...[aniwae, I told the story to MOMO, n she laughed..]

Actually, I was really tired yesterdae..wanted to slp ard 11..yet I waited till midnite..juz to call u...n to realise u din exactly appreciate it...*shrugs*

At least I did sth for u... its not my problem if u dun appreciate it...its not my fault...

[[__I have given u all I can afford n give__]]

today..i finally decided to let things go...finally..finally..really... really..

i went over todae..got there at like 11.50??mayb..ard there.. on my way there, pondering over whether todae's meeting is a mistake..will it make things better??will it make things worse?? i dunnoe..shld i take the plunge n face things?? or shld i turn n go rite back home??

i decided to go on n take 28.

b4 tt, i stopped by 7-11 at sun plaza..spotted apple chips sometime back..apple chips..she love it..must be original mind u...nothing else..wanted to buy the chocos she loved..they dun have it animore..nor do they have the chocolate tt i love..so ended up buying 4 packets of apple chips. the woman asked mi:'u like this?' i answered: 'ermz..my friend likes it..its not bad'

reached her place...a familiar sight..experience a home coming feeling...it juz seem like any other day..when we spend time at her place..real comfortable..

i sat on the 'bench'..staring at her back view while she continues reading her friends' blogs n doing stuff online..i watched..i observed..i treasured...tt minutes im entitled to c her back view..

jay chou's songs were in the backgrd..those qing qing ai ai songs..

i started to tear..i cant remember why..she comforted mi..we sat there hugging each other for what seems like a long time..but still i tot it wasnt enuff..

i came with the mentality tt i wont cry..no matter what..she doesnt like mi crying..

yet i teared..for a few times...i teared..i grab hold of myself..i stopped.. i stoned..i lie on the bench..staring at the clouds out there...

i wonder..y those beautiful clouds are constantly on the move?? never seems to stop in a permanent place..i wonder why clouds turn black...

relationships are like clouds...they float n r constantly being pushed to move on by the wind... in times of arguments..clouds turn black...rain, thunder, ligthning follows...after tt...its back to white n beautiful clouds again...

shes still doing stuff online..i wonder y? clicking of the mouse..tee tat-ing of the keyboard... n not forgetting jay chou's songs...

ive got no idea tt i cld remember the lyrics...i sang out those songs...each line of the lyrics hit mi..each line seems to be decribing the stuff im going thru now...i wonder if jay chou goes thru all those stuff all the time..tts why he got all those inspiration n all...i sang them with my heart..i dunnoe if u cld hear mi dear...but i was singing them for u...i was...

u kept asking mi not to cry..n said tt u're sorry for i dunnoe how many times..i screamed back n said i dun wan ur sorries..

i kept shaking my head..not bcoz im refusing to promise u tt i wont cry... but becoz im asking u not to go..

i kept holding on to ur hands...u kept trying to struggle out of my grip..

i couldnt stand it animore..i cried..i whined..i cried out loud..i totally broke down...

u rote sth for mi..i watched u wrote tt..i watched u looked into drawers..looking for probably an envelope..u coldnt find a appropriate one... i tot u wld use the pink envelope..in the end, u put it in a pouch..tt pouch tt u once used it as ur wallet..

i made u sit bside mi..holding on to u...i kept saeing pls..i said til i lost count of the no of times i said tt...

tt was when u said firmly to mi tt: theres no point saeing pls now..no matter how many times..ive decided to move on with my life..i'll not go back to things tt ive decided to let go..ive put my life on hold for very long le.'

tt was cruel..real cruel...

but it was good..

it woke mi up..

today is the 1st dae ive come to terms with things...

it was sort of a jie tuo for mi...

i begged u to have quick quick one for the last time..i told u i'll let u go tmr...i'll...todae, u're still mine...at 12 midnite todae..my card expires..u're no longer mine..so let us end things in a better way...

u got convinced. u let mi have my way....i could c how hard u were trying to not let mi influence ur decision to move on..how hard u were trying to remain firm on the grounds...i cld..sometimes u juz gave in a bit...tt was when things hit mi..things hasnt been easy for u...u had to be the one to be firm abt things..if not we will contiune with the mistake we've made in the very beginning...

i made u promise a lot of things...gou gou shou zi..'kai zhang'..

u promised tt u'll keep loving mi...in ur heart..i need not noe..
u promised tt i'll be the top 10 most impt person in ur life..
u promised u'll miss mi everyday..
u promised u'll think of mi everydae..
u promised u'll not let my 'pig' in my hp fade awae..
u promised a whole lot of stuff...

these promises made mi happier..these promises made mi more willing to let u go..these promises made things more worthy..

i will do all those for u as well..

wholeheartedly..

i'll keep the promises i made as well..

u even let mi give u 3 aniwhere..except there..where u said u dun like.. i gave u 4 in the end..with 2 tt stayed..i hope the one on ur right will stayed on for daes..even if u dont..my heart is with u.. its okay tt the 'A' u gave me has been reduced to juz a dot..it doesnt matter..i noe i still have ur heart...

i bathed u for the final time..

from head to toe..

i finally appreciate using water of temperature i would classify as too hot..

i was happy... i enjoyed myself...

really..u said u want to be merlion..i laughed...

u're cute...really...

after tt long long bath, we sat down together.. ready to leave...

we toked..we laughed..

we ate apple chips..

u gave mi ur shirt..ive got 2 now..

i gave u 3 other items..hope u'll keep it with u ur entire life..dun use them til torn n tattered ok dear?
=)

we took 28 to tpy...u nv ever complain abt my hands being damp..til todae...

i congratulate u..for making urself worthy of my love this lifetime..

i congratulate myself too.. for making myself worthy of ur love this lifetime..

im more at peace with myself now..

i realised tt u're bringing what we have to an end not becoz u dun love mi animore..not becoz u think im no longer worthy of ur love..but becoz its time to put an end to the mistake we've committed right at the beginning..becoz u dun wan to hurt the both of us even more in the future as we both noe it too well tt this relationship wont go far...

tt's the only way to continue loving each other..

its better to end it now..shou xing yi dian...xiao sha yi dian...

now i understand y u told mi once tt u cant take it when i cry n beg...i tot u think it was irritating...

now i noe its becoz each time i do tt..it breaks ur heart..n make u rethink abt ur decision..some sort of like holding u back...its hard to have to do all these....now then i understand..i appreciate all tt uve done for mi...now then i m seeing sense behind all these.. i hope im rite..tell mi if im wrong abt this...

no matter how hard times r going to be..how painful times are going to be...i'll do it for u...

i tot ages ago tt if we 'break up', i would hate u..i wouldnt even be friends with u...

but now..i love u even more..i really do..i want to continue being friends with u..even good friends..
*prmoise promise swear swear + five other combis*

Sacrifices, no matter how small or big, for ur loved ones is possible..i tot all along tt they were all crap..now im juz beginning to see some truth in it...

piniu..i want to correct u...
u said to mi:'u juz lost someone who dun love u...but she lost someone who love her'

now i say..its i learn tt ive got someone who love mi...n she din lose someone who love her...

let us juz mo mo de love each other...love still can be felt this way..rite?

ive grown stronger a person..

the pain n sufferings i experience are actually a blessing in disguise...

today hasnt been a bad day...its been a relatively good dae...god answered my prayers last nite. =)

suddenly the heavy load tt had been on mi for a long long time has been lifted..i feel so at peace..so qing piao piao..tt i dun feel happy nor sad..i feel numb..

piniu tells mi tt the feeling will go away in at most 2 or 3 days time...

now i'll try to concentrate on my exams..prac starting next wk..n on planting kank..im getting a little worried for her..wonder if she will sprout out soon...

n i'll try to be friends with her...

i will alwaes be there for u........

Whatever u rote in ur blog todae…touches mi…I’ ve been proven wrong..u’ ve not forgotten about mi..i blieve u’ re still pretty much attached to mi…I hope this bond tt we share nv fades away like the ‘ A ’….

‘ so what if i have always been the one initiating breakups?

it doesn't mean that i get away unscathed...
every.single.fucking.time ’

iye [5.49pm]


‘ everything in my room reminds me of you

despite nowadays,
i sit at home alone for longer periods of time, more often then i used to,
your presence is still so strong

see. i wasn't wrong about this room being ours... ’

iye [5.45pm]


‘ i took a really long hot bath
and as i was watching everything in the bathroom fog up,
i thought about how you always complain the shower was too hot whenever we bathed.
and how the whole bathroom would smell like the oceanus shower gel after that because you just like to
use.so.much.of.it ’

iye [5.28pm]

I’VE SUCCEEDED!!!!
HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!!!

I'M GOING TO TREASURE EVERY SECONDS...

I'M GOING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER...

I'M NOT GOING TO RUIN IT...

I'LL GET TO TREAT MOMO...

I'LL...I'LL...

I'M PINNING ALL MY HOPES ON TOMORROW...

TOMORROW WILL BE A BETTER DAY...

Let's have a prayer:
Our father in heaven
Holy be your name
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us our sins
As we forgive those whio sin against us
Do not bring us to the test
But deliever us from evil.
Amen.

i want to do sth tmr....

i really want to do it....

i really really want to do it

i dun care...im going to ask....

im going to convince...

im going to make sense....

im going to accomplish it...

if i succeed..im going to treasure it...

if i succeed..im not going to ruin it...

if i fail..i will not qi nei...

if i fail..i will try again...

if i fail..i will try til i succeed....

i love u...iye...

i want to do sth tmr....

i really want to do it....

i really really want to do it

i dun care...im going to ask....

im going to convince...

im going to make sense....

im going accomplish it...

if i succeed..im going to treasure it...

if i succeed..im not going to ruin it...

if i fail..i will not qi nei...

if i fail..i will try again...

if i fail..i will try til i succeed....

i love u...iye...

the 'A' u gave mi is omost gone...

juz 15% more to go.....

dont go away please.....i beg you....

dont....................

well..the skin looks not bad huh??? but theres still sth i wanna change..tmr go sch/winnie's plce to change..

not bad not bad..did a littlle bit of work todae..

home alone now..mum n bro at the hospital to visit my grandmother..poor things..muz b bored to death..

i dreamt of u again last nite..it was a dream tt i wish would come true*******

i dreamt we quarrelled. parted for a few days to cool down..then.......came the best part..WE GOT BACK TOGETHER!

tt would juz b so fabulous if it does happen...

hate it when i finally have to wake up to reality..din mind dying in my slp boy..afterall i would have sort of 'gotten' wha i wan b4 i die...

i think im going mad about her.....real mad..

i dunnoe when im going to wake up....im still standing rooted at the place where she left mi...waiting....waiting.....

i guess the feeling is like hunger..u crave to eat when u're hungry...n when u dont get to eat..u get gastric..tts when the pain n sourness set in..after a while..ur stomach got real tired of growling..it stops sending the msg to ur brain tt saes:'hey, u're hungry', so the acidic juices stop gushing in ur stomach..the pain stops..the crave stops...

but..may i remind u, that this is a cycle? i dunnoe when it will stop..

ive somewhat come to the point tt i no longer feel tt hungry for u...i'm tired of begging you...making myself seems so inferior..so bu yao lian..

however..there r times, when i juz breakdown altogether..waving off all the efforts ive put in to get u out of my head..

juz like last nite..i cldnt help it..so msg u..i dunnoe if its juz tt u dunnoe wha to sae to make mi feel better..or u juz dun wanna have anithing to do with mi..

mi:dear..do u noe i miss u alot? tt ive not gotten over things??
iye: yea..i do..
mi: ive tried my best to not msg u..not reply u msg..to pretend i din c the missed call on my phone..but yet i returned called.im able to convince pple tt im ok..sometimes, i convinced myself..but at the end of the day, im not.
iye: i dont know what to sae..
mi:mayb u're trying to get over things too..or maybe there isnt any for u to get over...
iye: can u please dun say things like tt? if there's nothing to get over, i wouldnt have called.
mi: y did u call? honestly..
iye: i juz wana hear u..n c how things r..
mi: im fine..doing well..enjoying life... on the surface..in reality..everything the opposite.

*she din reply*

i dunnoe y....y din u reply mi???? do u still care for mi??? the impression i get is tt u're really doing fine w/o mi..seems to be moving on w/o mi..effortlessly...w/o a swear..

but y m i here struggling??

i think of u, i feel like crying...after a few tears, i convinced myself tt theres no more tears..but in actual fact, i would soon discover tt ive got a whole lot of tears..all bottled out...with the amt increasing drastically..the cork at the mouth is going to go 'pop'...it went 'pop' for a great many times...it went off last nite..

when the cork goes 'pop'..my mind goes all screwed up..

i dun care how not zuan yi u r... i dun care how bad/nice u treat mi..i just want u back!!! i dun give a damn about any other stuff...i can forgo my pride..my values..everything..anything...

I JUZ WAN U BACK!!!!!

I JUZ WAN U BACK!!!!!

I JUZ WAN U BACK!!!!!

I JUZ WAN U BACK!!!!!

I JUZ WAN U BACK!!!!!

I JUZ WAN U BACK!!!!!

I JUZ WAN U BACK!!!!!

im so tired now....suppose to be studying..yet im trying my best to figure out how to change the stupid skin..took a hell long a time..in the sch lib now..damn man..so nosiy..wha a library is this man?? been hogging this com for like 2hrs?

*sigh* now shes pretending tt she im invisible..stop hurting mi like tt iye..it juz sucks..

hope MOMO can help mi figure out how to edit the pic man..damn irritated le..

using the msn now..finally..my com's one totally cant worked..surprised to c chester online..stupid boy..lost my contacts n all...nv tok to mi much jiu run away makan..what piang..nv treasure ur lao peng you..treasure ur stomach more..haha..

update tonite when i get home lar..shld really go back to work le....

this is the 2nd part of today's blog...

ive mentioned earlier tt i went sunya's hse to watch this jap drama rite? ya..in the show..theres this near 30 yrs old career woman..whu has a boyfriend..n a guy whus like omost 10 yrs younger than her..as her pet.. literally pet..

watched the how last thurs..i lied tt i was at northpt with my friend, iye..i was at sunya's place watching this...tot u wld be pissed if u noe..

aniwae..todae i viewed the dvd in a different angle..i began to wonder if the relationship btw mi n u is like u n theone..in another words..im like ur pet as well.. afterall u did mention/imply tt u love mi juz as u love theone b4.. u said it was a kind of unconditional love..

in the show, the story writer depicts a pet as a living creature tt is very close to heart to his/her master/mistress..alwaes willing to accept the master/mistress..always there for him/her when he/she is feeling low..somewhat like a pillar of support..

the more i think of it..the more i think i may be really ur pet..i asked u on the sunday b4 mid yr started..i asked u..who do u treat mi as..this is the 2nd time i asked u..u still seem uncertain abt how to answer..u replied good friend..was super heartbroken...after all those things i do for u..u regard mi as ur good friend??do i do these for my good friends?? i dont...later on u realise i think this way..u said u din mean it tt way..juz tt u din noe how to put it or rather classify me..after tt incident..if i asked u tt qns again..u said u treat mi as ur dear..good answer..but tt 'good friend' remain firmly rooted in my mind..

nerd cow, MOMO asked mi not to think so much..i cant..i dun have a definite ans..u r not helping mi..u r somewhat like encouraging mi to fomulate possibilities...

i dunnoe..i realised thru this..im actually not as strong as i presumed myself to be..yea..i need someone to be my pillar of support as well...would u be mine?? i noe its kinda impossible..u said so on ur tag board..possibility of getting back together is omost less than 10% now.....................................

n i hate tt...

i still hate u LPG..i really do..I HATE LPG!! U R TRULY A LAN PING GUO!! N TOO BAD...I DIE DIE OSO DUN WANNA BE TT WORM!!!!!!!!!

be prepared..ive got tons to write todae..

really tons...

many things went thru my mind todae..

went for gp this morning...total waste of time..i think im getting real sensitive to things ard mi.. there was this essay qns that saes:"if u want to be happy, be." does happiness seem more elusive in today's world?

i wanted to write abt this...but then..when i kept asking myself if i was happy n stuff..cld bearly write anything, except the code before the paper got a bit wet. Decided not to write tt animore…so chose another qns..pple ard mi did comfort mi n stuff..ya..

after tt, was the compre part..did a few qns..ya..was communicating with yj, sy n xf..thru pcs of paper.. xf going to help mi scan the pic of the paper..i suggested it..for i dunnoe what reason...oh n iye msged to sae 'good morning woman'.. she nv calls mi tt b4..she cant even call mi 'dear' like b4 w/o feeling uneasy.. *shrug* i din reply..i made up my mind not to reply/call her..i din msg her gootnite last nite..

ok the pics are up.. ok..snow white help mi post the pics le..tt guy is my shifu..yesh.. peggy n piniu tot there was sth going on btw the 2 of us..so secretly took a photo of him.. n gave mi as a gift.. -_-’’’’’

hai..got so many calls from snow white.. keep getting interupted..hahaha

after class, mi, sy n xf walked out together.. then i realise my phone was vibrating.. got 1 missed call.. it was iye..i wondered why she called..n hestitate abt calling her back..lau msged mi..then after tt she msged.. it saes: 'felt like hearing your voice..but oh well..Nvm (='

alrite..i gave in..i called..miss her real badly..as much as i dun wanna admit..things sound awkward over the phone n ya..the conversation lasted 1:28 min...longer than the previous one by 28 secs..great. she asked mi if ive eaten n stuff..i said 'u sae leh?' got a tiny winy irritated..coz it seems like shes loving mi once more even if its juz a little bit.. b4 tt, i tot she badly wanted mi to scram out of her life..ya..got irritated tt coz i noe im going 2 get confused again...conversation ended like tt:

me:ur break now huh?
iye: ya
me: ok, go hav ur break. bye

*click*

cant even remember if she said bye.. whaeva..

on the bus..tot of things again.. flashbacks n all...cried again..dunnoe if sunya noes.. if she does, she tried to pretend she din..n juz left mi alone..she shared her mp3 player with mi..dunnoe y mandarin songs usually revolves ard love n stuff.. yue ting, xiang de yue duo...then cried.. this stupid woman..i suspect is of china nationality, turned bhind n ask mi if the bus we were on is heading for yishun...-_-'''''how timely was tt man....

got to sunya's place..ya then watch the dvd of the jap show ar..then due to sth tt happened..went to check iye's blog..apparently i think she n *** arent having tt great a time..i think so.. i deduced so..wha came to my mind was this: now i think i noe why she called..n even left a sms tt she felt like hearing mi..shes like 'running' to mi to seek comfort..i dunnoe..i may b wrong..iye, tell mi if i am..[provided i tell u tt ive got a blog] based on this, i got quite angry n pissed..if ive known this in the morning..i wldnt hav ans her calls nor called her back..i mean what u take mi for rite? iye, u told mi b4 :'when i need someone around the most..i just kinda go to you coz you're so closeto heart' so do u mean at this moment? when things may not b tt goot btw u n ***? i dunnoe..

shifu msged mi at tt moment..i told him abt what happened.. i got somewhat a scolding from him.. [im trying my best to recall what he says, so its not the exact words..juz agar agar]:

shifu: next time she call, u shld juz sae u're busy or not ans..
me: well i din..
shifu: i dun care next time she call u juz sae u're busy or not ans the call
me: i cant b so mean to her..
shifu: u r torturing urself by being so nice to her...shes juz treating u like a shelter from the rain..when the sun comes up, she disappears again..
me: but i juz cant.
shifu: there r so many friends ard u whu wanna make u happy..why let 1 person make u sad?
me:my tutor saes tt the problem i hav is tt i can b truly happy..but i choose to hold on to the garbage..
shifu: tts exactly whas happening. if u're still going to think tt shes candy floss, chocolates, n the sweetest thing on earth, nobody can help u...its high time u wake up..

tt's abt it..i din dare to reply..im afraid of agitating him..after u read this blog, sms mi ok? i guess what he saes really hit mi in the face..its true it true.. all those he said..but......*sigh* im juz useless...

why is it tt each time i read ur blog, i alwaes end up in tears?? latest update:

in her tag board:
iye: that's what i think for now lah. can't say for sure. but i don't want to lead you on you get?
iye: isn't a bad thing but hey. i've gave everything alot of thought about.
iye: you know. i don't think we'll ever be able to go back like before.

u were the one who gave mi hope..u were also the one who dash all my hopes..what do u want mi to do?? u sae u dun wanna lead mi on..but u r.. u r leading mi on...i dunnoe..mayb i shld juz stop going to ur blog..stop msging u.. stop calling u..

i think u r taking mi for granted.. u alwaes sae u dont.. but im pretty sure u r.. i suppose u assume tt i will alwaes be there, loving u..alwaes ready to accept u despite all those hurt uve hurled on mi.. since now u r the one who sae things are getting too drastic to cope, getting out of hand.. im thinking one dae...when u finally lose ***..u will regret..tt u gave up what we have so easily..or even b4 tt, u realise somehow u still need mi to be with u..n try to get mi back..by then..i could be so happy with life..with friends ard mi..mayb even a special him..tt im no longer the person as b4...

ive survived 3 daes w/o u.. 3 solid days.. 72 hrs.. i nv knew how i could do it.. i mean b4 tt, ive been seeing u 4-6 days a wk..

last nite, there was a repeat of the spore idol..taufik sang 'everything i do, i do it for u' i cried..discreetly..

the more i think abt this.. the more i think everything had been not worth while..

i dare not sae im too nice to u.. coz may hui saes theres no such thing as being too nice to a person..unless u think the person is not worthy of ur kindness.. i think u r worthy of my sacrifices..at least in the past..im not sure abt now..

no matter how strong i wan to be..or noe i hav to be..im still human.. i succumb too..cant sae i totally gave up hopes.. make it a point to go sun plaza todae..juz to get a packet of chilli seeds.. to plant.. i declare todae is the bdae of my chilli plant. coz i plant it todae..with the help of my entire family..n i shall name it kank..what im goin 2 do with kank..im not too such yet..we'll c..

visited my grandmpther at gleneagles todae. she has an operation yest. somewhat was like a family gathering..has been ages when everyone got together.. got these particular two cousins.. one was very rebelious n the other very guai qiao when they were young.. now apparently, their characters hav changed.. amazing how pple change within a few yrs...

ive changed a lot..peggy tells mi tt.. she alwaes tot tt i was those studious ger..serious abt my studies n all..apparently not for the past 2 yrs..she now saes i keep giving her surprises..from a rational person..to an irrational person.. from a person with a direction in life..to a person who isnt sure of her life..

xf n i even suspect tt lau thinks tt im a rebelious kid..one who cant do well.. n cant get along with my mum..crazy..

i was busy with the family gathering n msging shifu to be constantly thinking of her..i dunnoe whats wrong with shifu todae.. hes gone a little crazy.. keep telling mi how much charisma he has.. how handsome he is.. how smart..how i dunnoe what.. haha.. he refuse to settle for a paragraph of complements.. he wants a 1000 word essay..im sorry..my vocab is limited u noe.. aniwae, i promise tt i'll post his pic online tml..he wanna c how ke ai he is..correct teddy bear?? so for those whu nv seen him b4...tmr is the dae!! haha... dun forget abt the 10 course meal treat k?? ji1 ji2 save up!
aniwae shifu ar shifu.. think u really very ke ai.. haha..if i dun promise u i wont cry, u wont li wo?? *smile* funny guy..

everybody have been nice to mi.. i mean those who noe abt this blog..piniu, peggy, MOMO, snow white n shifu.. been constantly msging to ask if im feeling better todae or not..these group of pple..i guess..r pple i can gong huan nan with...on the other hand..the person i love most..i dunnoe its seems to be unable to go thru thick n thin with mi or its unwilling to go thru thick n thin with mi.. tt..i'll decide in the future..when im more rational..

xf juz msg abt meeting tmr to go gp together.. yea.. i'll wake up in time no matter what man..muznt disappoint boo boo le...after tt will c lau abt physics..n then head for MOMO's place to watch MOMO n edit my blog setting n stuff..

yea..sounds busy rite? i am..trying my best not to spend time alone..to allow nonsensical tots to set in..but i guess no matter how my friends help mi..i still got to jump over this barrier of mine alone..they can only assist mi..n encourage mi........

slp got interrupted a couple of times..which time with mi anxiously fumbling for my hp..which time ending with mi tumbling back onto bed..disappointed tt u din msg...got..got 1 msg..from snow white..

dreamt of u last nite...i dunnoe y..but u were a guy in my dreams...dun ask mi how i noe..i juz noe its u..the 1st scene was mi n u..enjoying time together..cant remember wha we were doing..but i noe i was truly happy..i was..n i really tot it was all for real..after tt the scene changed.. u were angry with mi..i dunnoe y..u were juz angry..din wan to hav anithing to do with mi..tt tot brought mi tears the moment i woke up..

its 10+ when i finally woke up..u shld b going for tuition..so im quite sure u r awake..but i still dun get a msg from u..i wonder why? itz bcoz u dun wanna make me feel tt u'll come back to mi, so create a impression tt uve forgotten abt mi? or is it bcoz u really did forget abt mi..i dunnoe..

but still i msg u..pretending to b a girl acknowledging her happiness..
iye: =) r u truly happy?
Me: u will noe this in probably a few days' time..when im willing to let u into my tots [as in let her noe tt existance of this blog], but rite now..im not willing to..
iye: but i cant b happy if u dun tell mi if u're truly happy..
Me: [i juz broke down altogether] i dunnoe..i dunnoe..i dunnoe whats true happiness..i really dunnoe..

she hasnt replied..doubt she will..

y? y do u need to noe if im truly happy??
the positive side of mi tells mi tt u're doing all these for mi.. u love mi, so u wan mi to have happiness..u wanna noe tt uve make the right choice of letting mi go..in search for more lasting happiness..afterall we both noe tt this relationship bu hui you hao jie guo one.. yet we fu chu le..

the negative side of mi tells mi u r plain selfish..u juz wanna be happy yourself..u're juz making urself less gulity if i replied im truly happy.. making urself sounds less like a sinner..

i dunnoe.. which side is true..friends, offer mi any other possibilities..

i called u yesterdae..juz b4 u slpt..i dunnoe y i did so.. but i called. the whole conversation lasted for 1 solid min.. tts it..
iye: y r u so happy?
Me: coz im hearing ur voice. i miss it

i really do..

Me: can i call u on my hse phone instead?
iye: i need to slp..i really do.. pls?

u nv told mi tt u need to slp b4..instead u always ask if u can slp on mi..now? it appears to mi u keep begging mi to let u go..n yet, u told mi u'll not leave just like tt.. im confused.. dont do tt to mi animore.. give mi more definite ans..by giving mi such undefinite ans, u juz let my poor mind generate all sorts of possibilites wha u mean..non stop..im tired..im very tired...

aniwae todae is sundae..u asked last wk :'dear, can we come back to sci centre next wk?'of coz i agreed.

u nv ask mi tt again this wk..todae is the day..n im spending it aniwhere but at sci centre..

the 'A' u gave mi..is slowly fading away....i look at it each time i remember..from reddish..to slighly purplish..to now..yellowish brown..soon it will bcome my skin colour..i hope it doesnt go awae...i dun wan it to..i dun wan it to.. leave it there as a gift can??

bot a flower pot n soil yesterdae. hav yet to buy the chilli seeds. ive set my mind to plant them..only u noe y..

i wanna go da xiao ren. i wan! anibody noes how to? i HATE LPG! i noe its not exactly his fault..but i still hate him! i adhere him!!! hes such a er xin da bian!!!!!

snow white keep asking mi y this web add.. ironically, kank is the name i gave her..n tikiboom is the name a guy i really like [i dunnoe if i can sae love..nvm.. stick to like] gave mi..so put them together..n we have kanktikiboom. both have hurt mi b4..

the tikiboom part only piniu n peggy noe..shifu, u may noe him too..u may.. he was from cj judo..yes..but some small fly lar..

tts abt it for now...every entry of mine is super long..coz i think alot..*grin* i do u noe pple.. haha.. feeling once again better..for this moment..

the day passed by juz like tt...

woke up n realised she replied to my gootnite msg last nite.....it puts a smile to my face when she still calls mi tt..im truly happy..for tt moment..i juz realise tt probably if i maintain to b so 'happy' n 'cheerful', she may come back to mi.. may tt is...so i msg her a goot morning msg showing +ve signs..she msged back n said the msg put a smile on her face...im glad at tt...

i juz checked her blog..n heres n extract:
‘if you haven't realise.
it makes me happy when you appear to be/are happy.

i want you to be happy.
it's all that matters really.

last night, i fell asleep on my tummy
ha... i wonder why

girl, i love you to the extend that i eat sleep and breathe only you.
but i realised that eating, sleeping, and breathing only you, doesn't work.
at the end of it all, i'm hungry, tired and suffocated beyond words.

i'm too young to die

this morning's 'good morning' message from you is so... relieving.
honestly. i haven't felt so at ease for a long long time.
even if it's just pretentious on your part,
(i'm not saying it is but IF...)
i still want to thank you for doing it for me.’

i wonder what she meant.. she tells mi she still loves mi...[oh really?? im not being sarcastic over here..but i really wanna noe..]
early in the morning [the dae the bomb was hurled at mi], she msged mi 'its ok. i love you sleepy head. go back to bed'

2 daes b4 the bomb, she msged n said 'hush hush..mei shi mei shi.. i love you girl. no matter how you treat mi..go n slp alrite?'

tt was juz like 4 daes ago from todae..4 daes ago., u told mi u love mi no matter how i reat u...i ask u, iye...r u living up to ur 'words'.. r u??im telling u..u r not...probably the type of love u r toking abt is sth so wei da tt i can nv understand...

within this wk..u told mi oso..'i cant do w/o u..its like mi n theone[her dog]..i love her unconditionally n she cant do w/o mi..coz im the only one whu loves her so much..im her everything..n in this case i dunnoe wha to do w/o u...' arent u doing w/o mi now iye??? apparently..i think u r living life as per normal..tts the impression i get..somehow, u revealed tt u were in a moive at noon todae...movie? while u're watching a movie most prob with fucking lpg..wha m i doing??im thinking of u..trying so hard not to let the crying start all over again...i applaud ur actions iye..u can juz go on with life as if nothing has happened..i guess im juz as impt as u said i was..all those msgs n words..probably sweet tok only..i cant go for movie for quite some time..partly bcoz of exams..but mostly bcoz i think i'll b crying inside the threate..y waste money?


i still dun understand how can u ever tell mi u cant do w/o mi.. i really dont.. my opinion is tt if im not abt to live w/o u, i will try so hard to keep u with mi..making things worked out..or..if i really think tt its better if we part..i'll slowly..gradually let u go.. n definitly not *boom* i dropped u totally...wha do u think my friends?? does my theory sound sensible??

im telling u my close friends here..my wound is still raw n hurting like shit...biao mian shang mei shi..xing li shi na me de tong....this type of things have to be experienced b4 u actually get to have a feel of it...

while waiting for the bus yest..with a huge cake in hand..in the queue..i cried..yes..in public..i cried for u, iye.....with 2 sec sch boys looking at mi...this woman bside mi seems to saw mi crying too.. y do i humilate myself like tt in public?? i enjoy it?? certainly not..

rebacca spent the dae with mi..she doesnt noe tt im upset..juz acted like im perfectly normal..looks can be deceiving..

was sharing with her abt funny stories abt lau..toking abt lau, tot of the zip lock bag tt he gave us..read thru a few...guess those r really helpful..

share a few..

one card saes:
'Do You Know How To Love?

When u love, u must not accept anything inb return,
for if u do, u're not loving but investing.
true love is selfless love,
we are concerned only for the other person

we tell them,
the door of my heart will alwaes be open to you,whatever you do,
n we mean it.
we just want them to be happy.
love doesnt have to haver a happy ending,
coz love doesnt have to end at all.'

well said..but hard to do.. think one got to be real wei da to do so.. im working towards tt.. i'll let u go..i dunnoe if i can..at least im trying..i hate it when u said 'pls spare mi...pls..i beg u'. u said tt..u did...im totally heartbroken...

another interesting card saes:
'a small trouble is like a pebble,
hold it too close to your eye and
it fills the whole world and
puts everything out of focus.
hold it at a proper distance and
it can be examined and
properly classified

throw it at ur feet......
it can be seen in its trrue setting,
just one more tiny bump
on the pathway to life.'

lau is a man of great tots..im happy to have u as my tutor..though u can b real naggy sometimes..with ur endless sutras which revolved ard the same own concept..juz repackaged in a different manner..

i code u[lau] saeing:
'make yourself happy,
make others happy,
n you will find happiness...'

to those whu got this zip lock bag, i encourage u all to look at it..n somewhat i think a card would b suitable for a day..

im trying to stop crying over u...i think its just not worthwhile when im in my sensible mode..also.. my tears reserve is running dry..depleting...

hope u do miss mi..think of mi..love mi enough to 'take' mi back...

its late le..cant slp..so need the help of MOMO later.. asking her to call..can sort of tire mi out..n put mi to slp.. dun wanna slp bcoz my energy is drained from crying over iye..this energy can b pt to better use..

special note to shifu: where have u gone man..juz disappeared after i 'praised' u..must b too preoccupied with hezhen le..*sigh*